Phantom of the Opera: What not to do
by Wild Concerto
Summary: The title said it all: wht not to do if ever you find yourself in the middle of POTO. Rated T because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay.**

**This has been updated on the 16/7/14, with a new chapter. Chapter One concerns POTO in general, Leroux and Kay. Chapter Two, ALW, 2004 movie, 25th anniversary, and LND. **

**Ideas? Leave a review. ;P **

* * *

**In general**

I will not teach Erik to sing _Defying Gravity _from _Wicked_.

Though it would be absolutely epic.

And especially not when the chandelier falls.

I will not introduce Christine to Amy Pond.

I will not body-swap Madame Giry and La Carlotta.

Though it's insanely hilarious whatever version.

And I won't body-swap Christine and La Carlotta either, because I don't want to get punjabed.

I will not give Christine a sonic screwdriver.

I will not say how much my Aveeno cream is great for the face while Erik is around.

I will not ask Erik if I can have his croaking recipe.

I will not teach Erik to sing Adele's _Someone Like You_.

I will not teach Erik to sing Taylor Swift's _You Belong With Me_.

Actually, I won't teach Erik ANY Adele or Taylor Swift songs.

I will not challenge Erik to arm-wrestling.

I will not teach Raoul or Christine of "sex-education". _Awkward… _

I will not teach Christine to sing Katy Perry's _Hot N' Cold_.

I will not tell Christine unmasking a masked guy isn't really smart.

I will not ask Erik to slow dance with me.

I will not let Erik watch Christine while she is taking a bath, because I'm pretty sure he already does.

And I will not let Raoul do that either.

I will not show Erik, Christine and Raoul _The Corpse Bride_.

I will not introduce Erik to Facebook or online dating.

I will not let Erik drink any coffee or Redbull or anything like that.

I will not introduce Raoul to Cosette, so they can write a book about the fact that there's no reason for so many people to hate them.

I will not ask Mrs. Lovett if she's interested to go from Men-who-slit-throats to Men-who-punjab.

I will not introduce Erik to Tegan Jovanika.

Because, well, I don't want Tegan to get punjabed…

(And she would probably get the _Magical Lasso _lecture from Madame Giry…) (if you get the Doctor Who reference here, virtual cookies for you!)

I will not teach Christine to sing Taylor Swift's _I Knew You Were Trouble_.

I will not teach Erik to sing Justin Bieber's _Boyfriend_.

Because it's just so creepy. "If I was your boyfriend, never let you go…"

And I won't teach it to Raoul either.

I will not teach Madame Giry or Meg to do kung-fu.

Though I'm pretty sure they actually can.

I will not pierce Erik's belly button. (I'm not really sure where that idea came from, but just picture how disgruntled Erik would be with a girly butterfly hanging from his belly button.)

I will not tell Christine that it's dangerous and not very smart to wander off with strangers.

I will not tell Erik or Raoul that there are stories involving them in a romantic relationship.

I will not introduce the characters from POTO to the characters from _Dracula. _

Because it might just give them all really weird ideas.

I will not introduce Erik to Rose Tyler.

I will not tell Christine that no one really takes her daddy issues seriously.

I will not sing Lady Gaga's _Born This Way _while Erik is around.

I will not attach Miley Cyrus to the chandelier, in the same position like in _Wrecking Ball_.

I will not tell Erik to yell: "TIMBER!" when the chandelier falls.

And I will not yell "GOAL!" when it crashes.

I will not introduce Erik to Éponine.

I will not tell Erik or Raoul Christine is actually lesbian. (Inspired by Aria)

I will not teach La Carlotta to sing Lady Gaga's _Applause_.

I will not ask Sweeney Todd to shave Raoul.

Even if Erik promised me to pay me in hugs.

Okay, maybe if Erik promised me to pay me in hugs…

I will not introduce Erik to Joffrey Baratheon.

Even though his number of fans would increase drastically if he punjabed Joffrey.

I will not introduce Erik to Rumplestilskin.

Because it would have really bad consequences.

I will not ask Erik how he got an organ down in the undergrounds.

I will not give Christine a sonic screwdriver.

I will not let les Amis de l'ABC join the mob down to Erik's lair.

* * *

**Leroux**

I will not give Erik the idea of putting TVs in his torture chamber instead of the mirrors, and put on _Carebears_, or _Twilight_, _or The Three Musketeers 3D, _or _Dora the Explorer, _or any Barbie movie, or _The Notebook _on repeat.

And I'll probably add the _Fifty Shades of Grey _movie when that will be out.

I will not introduce Erik to Ace McShane.

I will not introduce Erik to Gollum either.

I will not ask the Daroga to give me a piggy-back ride while we are in the catacombs.

**Kay**

I will not bring les Amis de l'ABC in Persia.

I will not let Danaerys Targaryen give Drogon to the Shah, so he can insult her and she can just kill him and the Khanum.

Even if that would be even more badass and awesome than in _Game of Thrones_, especially with Erik and Nadir around.

I will not introduce Madeleine to Fantine.

Though I'm sure it would just do her good.

I will not give little Erik a drum set so he can drive his mother crazy(er).

And I will not give Erik the idea of giving Reza a drum kit, so he can drive the Daroga crazy(er).

I will not introduce Javert to hum… Javert.

I will not tell Erik and Nadir that they have to defeat an evil force and destroy the One Ring.

Though I'm pretty sure they would defeat Sauron in no time.

I will not give Erik a rose bouquet and tell him they come from Nadir.


	2. Chapter 2

**ALW in general**

I will not teach Christine to sing Lady Gaga's _Bad Romance_ instead of _The Point of No Return_.

I will not steal Erik's cape and fedora and sell it on auction on eBay.

I will not tell Erik that one day, he'll be composing vaudeville crap, because I don't want to get punjabed.

I will not put Weight Watchers pamphlets in Piangi's dressing room.

And I will not put those in Carlotta's dressing room either.

May it be Minnie!Carlotta or musical!Carlotta.

I will not switch Christine and Carlotta's wardrobes.

I will not teach the ballerinas from _Hannibal _or _Don Juan Triumphant _to twerk.

I will not replace La Carlotta by Britney Spears.

Though I'm pretty sure no one would see the difference.

I will not lead the people from the Masquerade into Erik's lair, so we could just party there.

Though it would be awesome there.

Especially with glow sticks. (WOOT WOOT!)

I will not tell Erik his disfigurement could have been worse. Like a skull-looking face.

I will not introduce the Eleventh Doctor to Mme Giry, because that would mean he would show her his dance moves.

And I will not introduce the Eleventh Doctor to Erik either, because they would start talking about hats.

I will not tell Christine the Phantom has a name and that it's Erik.

I will not put on _Party Rock Anthem _during the Masquerade.

And I will not put on _Gangnam Style _either.

Though it would be so funny to see Erik shuffling or dancing the _Gangnam Style_ choreography.

And I'm sure he would rock it, way more than Redfoo or PSY.

And I will not teach everyone how to break dance during the Masquerade.

I will not put the Empire theme from _Star Wars _when Erik comes in as the Red Death.

I will not teach Erik to sing "Now the party don't start till I walk in" from Ke$ha's _Tik Tok_ when he enters the Masquerade ball.

I will not let La Carlotta or Mme Giry sing _The Point of No Return_ with Erik instead of Christine.

Though it would be hilarious.

And I won't disguise Raoul as Christine for _The Point of No Return _either, because it would have really bad consequences.

I will not introduce Christine to Bella Swan.

And I won't introduce her to Katniss Everdeen either.

I will not tell Christine _Music of the Night _can be interpreted sexually.

I will not peek into Erik's diary.

Especially not on the night Christine was there.

I will not give Erik Raoul's diary, because you never know what could be in there… *perv*

I will not teach Carlotta and Piangi to sing Will. and Britney Spears' _Scream and Shout_.

I will not do Ouija and invoke Gustave Daaé just before Erik comes to the cemetery.

Because gosh, Erik would so get beaten up by Christine's REAL dad.

I will not tell Erik it was Mme Giry who brought Raoul to his lair. (by Aria)

I will not tell the managers and Raoul that Erik can actually hear them. (by Aria)

I will not tell Raoul: "You b*tch just keep your hand at the level of your f*cking eyes for Jesus Christ's sake!"

* * *

**2004 movie**

I will not tell Erik you can find a remedy to sunburns.

I will not cut Raoul's hair during his sleep.

And I will not curl them during his sleep either.

And I will not braid them during his sleep either.

And put flowers in them.

I will not tell Erik Meg might be his daughter, because that is so not true.

I will not tell Firmin and André they kind of remind me of Willy Wonka.

I will not tell Christine her rose costume for the Masquerade (not even sure it's actually a rose costume) is kind of uncreative.

And I won't tell her that her coming as a rose is kinda sending the wrong message to rose-sending Erik…

I will not tell Erik his makeup and mask for the Masquerade kinda reminds me of a panda.

(Honestly, why wasn't his mask like in the musical? It was awesome. Seriously, combine the Red Death costume from the movie and the skull mask from the musical. Heck yes.)

I will not tell Erik to just kick off La Carlotta from the scene during _Il Muto_, while yelling: "THIS. IS. OPERA!" (If you get the reference, major kudos.)

I will not tell Christine, Raoul and Mme Giry that Erik was ogling Meg during the ballet in _Il Muto_.

I will not ask Erik if he has something to do with Meg's boob dress in _Don Juan Triumphant_.

And it's no use of asking that for Christine's own boob dress because the answer is pretty obviously affirmative.

I will not knock out Mme Giry so she won't get Meg when she goes through the mirror.

I will not ask Erik HOW he got a horse in the undergrounds.

I will not ask Erik what he does with the Christine doll off camera, because I don't want to do nightmares.

I will not ask Erik how he got the swan bed down in his lair.

I will not replace Christine by Elizabeth Swann during the sword fight in the cemetery.

I will not ask Erik to give me a piggy-back ride instead of just going on a horse.

I will not ask Mme Giry why she is the only one with a French accent in Paris.

Because, well, Sally Dexter's French accent in _Love Never Dies _is actually a Transylvanian one.

At least Miranda Richardson's accent ACTUALLY sounded like a French accent.

I will not duck-tape the seats in the theater just before _Don Juan Triumphant_.

I will not give Meg dragon eggs.

Even if I'm sure she would be just as badass as Danaerys Targaryen.

* * *

**25****th**** anniversary edition**

I will not ask Mme Giry why Meg looks older than she is.

I will not tell Mme Giry she reminds me of Nanny McPhee.

I will not tell Erik he looks like Freddy Krueger, because I don't want to get punjabed.

I will not tell Meg she's annoying when she shouts about the Phantom, because I'm sure a lot of phangirls would do the same thing.

Maybe I would do that…

I will not tell Mme Giry a sparkly cape and feathers aren't enough of a costume for a Masquerade.

Unless she's dressed up as a crow.

I will not ask Meg or Raoul why they aren't asking themselves if Christine is schizophrenic.

I will not pretend to be deaf around Meg. (Inspired by Aria)

I will not give Meg a microphone.

* * *

**Love Never Dies**

I will not teach everyone in Phantasma to make their own performance of Miley Cyrus's _We Can't Stop_.

Though I'm sure they would do an amazing job.

I will not let Tony Stark, Irene Adler, Dean Winchester and Captain Jack Harkness enter Suicide Hall.

Even if it was just to "spice up things a bit". In every sense of the expression…

I will not ask everyone in Phantasma to go skinny dipping.

I will not advise Meg to simply tell Erik, just after he has said: "We can't all be like Christine…" that he's an idiot, then to just kick him in the balls, and sing _Defying Gravity_.

Even if it would increase the show's quality quite a bit.

And it would be totally in-character for Meg.

And singing _Defying Gravity_ would be literally a verbal bitch-slap to Erik AND Christine AND Mme Giry.

I will not introduce Erik to Darth Vader.

I will not offer Raoul and Christine any marriage counseling.

I will not ask Erik if he understands the meaning of "again, and again, beneath a moonless sky", because if Gustave was his son, he would be nine, not ten.

And continuing in this line, I will not ask Erik if living beneath the opera house has shuttered him so much from real life that he still thinks babies comes from storks.

I will not sing "Now the party don't start till I walk in" from Ke$ha's _Tik Tok_ while entering Suicide Hall in the middle of _Devil Takes The Hindmost_.

I will not kidnap Gustave and pretend to drown myself with him and go nutso, just so Erik can snuggle me.

I will not teach the freaks to sing P!nk's _Raise Your Glass_.

I will not introduce Raoul to Grantaire.

I will not let Meg baby-sit my kids.

I will not teach Meg to sing ANY Adele or Taylor Swift songs, like for POTO!Erik.

I will not give Ben Lewis!Erik eye drops.

I will not drug Christine and tell Meg to sing _Love Never Dies_ instead.

Or just go in, and eff _Love Never Dies_, sing _Defying Gravity_, because as I said, it would totally be in-character.

I will not teach Raoul to sing Bruno Mars' _When I Was Your Man_.

I will not teach Erik to sing Cher Lloyd's _Want U Back_.

Even if I'm sure he would do an awesome job of it.

I will not casually mention to Erik that the _Love Never Dies_ aria is totally ripped off Puccini's _Un Bel di Vedremo_, from _Madama Butterfly_, may it be by the melody or the theme.

* * *

And finally, I will not sexually molest Erik.

Though God knows I want to.


End file.
